For four years in my professional career, I was stuck in a position I would describe as; I was always the bridesmaid but never the bride. This period lasted from 2008 – 2013 and began with the financial bubble collapsing businesses throughout America and the world. At this point, I was a seasoned college graduate with management experience, and also unemployed for the last six months. My unemployment checks didn’t cover the rent and the duration of payments was about to end.
For the last two of the six months my scanty savings had dried up and my mailbox was stuffed with “Final Notices.” It was this way for many as the economy had completely folded and my retail experience was not nearly as useful when people weren’t buying. The last two months were rough. My day consisted of getting ready and hitting the streets in my neighborhood just after dawn. I carried a lawnmower, my broom, windex and other cleaning supplies as I scoured the neighborhood attempting to catch those on the way to work with a compelling offer. I was basically offering crack prices for lawn services and general cleaning. I would target houses with for sale and foreclosure signs, single mothers struggling to balance work and family, and basically anyone who made direct eye contact with me.
When the sun began beating my back, I would extend my search farther into local businesses checking for openings. My self worth had plummeted, the vision of my dreams seemed like a joke, and I couldn’t bear telling my family back home that I had failed. It was at this moment randomly looking for eye contact that I saw people on the sidewalk accepting applications and setting interview dates for an interesting telecom company yet to officially open. My experience was mostly in restaurants, but I yearned for the days where I wouldn’t go home smelling like everyone else’s success and fun. I walked up to the sharped-dressed group of people and their small table and gave them the best and most confident self pitch I could muster. I don’t know if they could smell the desperation but it was thick in the air almost choking every word I attempted to deliver. Fortunately God smiled on my efforts and I was interviewed several hours later and hired on the spot.
This is a case study about leadership and at this point, I’m sure I had the skills, but the only leadership I could envision at the time was leading my refrigerator and bank accounts out of poverty. I didn’t want the position of assistant manager at a store selling what I thought was an inferior product, but I needed to eat. I held my head down and powered through work. When they asked me to jump, I asked “how high?” I was a slave to that check living in fear that one small mistake could lead me back to cutting grass and washing windows as a 27 year old man.
After about two years in the same location, a part of me started to return that I had long forgotten. My mental state was shifting from just being happy that the lights came on when I flipped the switch to wanting to have a future that I was proud of. I returned to the thoughts of greatness that once drove me before my world fell apart. I became more aggressive, I pushed harder to outperform others, and I wanted to make a name for myself.
However; this was a great learning experience for me. At that moment I realized you don’t become a leader by jumping up and saying I’m done playing with your business, I want to be serious now. This was made evident by my applying for jobs and being passed over by people who came in after me. The last straw was when the Assistant manager I trained became my boss. I couldn’t bear the thought. This person was amazing and was actually a close friend, but the situation infuriated me. He was smart, but so was I. People listened to him, but they listened to me too. Why was he better? Why was he able to surpass me as if I was just a picture on the wall of life?
At that point, I was four years into the same position and I had enough. I wanted to turn my life around. I wanted to be the man I knew I was, and that first step taken was self-inventory. I realized that, although I performed well, I positioned myself as a child in the company. I was timid and afraid. Not making people mad works wonders in customer service, but it makes you a terrible manager. Even though my team outperformed others; I never positioned myself as a leader, so I was never seen as one.
In meetings I was afraid to speak. When I did well, I compared myself to those who did better. When I didn’t do so well, manager meetings felt like I was being silently waterboarded. I positioned myself as someone paralyzed with fear and afraid to make tough decisions. The truth of the matter was that I was a terrible public speaker and my reality placed my employer as the God that provides as they WERE the only ones willing to give me a chance years ago. I felt indebted, I felt weak, and then I realized the market had changed. It changed both inside and out.
